Robeman
#0 S’MILK
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scene one – inside a flat
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man two (david) : opening his door · ... yes?
man one (jeff) : who the fuck are you?!
man two (david) : ehm. this is my flat. i should be the one asking that.
man one (jeff) : you answered your door rather quickly for 2 a.m. were you up playing world of warcraft or something? you look like you would play world of warcraft.
man two (david) : what? no! nobody even plays "wow" anymore. most online gamers nowadays play fortnite, counter-strike, league of...
man one (jeff) : shutting him up · ... yeah, i don't give a shit. entering the flat · this place is nicer than i expected.
man two (david) : thanks. wait... who the fuck are you?! and why are you wearing a dressing gown?
man one (jeff) : a what?
man two (david) : a dress... never mind that ; who are you?!
man one (jeff) : i asked first.
man two (david) : i don't care! tell me who you are or get the hell out of my flat!
man one (jeff) : i'm jeff. jeff Luna.
man two (david) : ...
man one (jeff) : leila's brother.
man two (david) : leila has a brother? you look nothing alike!
man one (jeff) : you kidding? she never told you about me? how long have you been dating?
man two (david) : what? we're not. we're flatmates.
man one (jeff) : ohh, that makes way more sense. something didn't quite add up here.
man two (david) : meaning?
man one (jeff) : you're fat.
man two (david) : oy!
man one (jeff) : what? you are. and she is the shallow kind. she prefers the classic movie star package. you know : handsome, rich, brainless. where is she, by the way?
man two (david) : hospital.
man one (jeff) : did she's finally catch aids or something?
man two (david) : what? no! she's working there! and why would anyone with aids be in hospital at 2 in the morning?
man one (jeff) : how would i know? i don't know shit about aids. anyways, that's a good thing she ain't dying. i'm gonna be staying here for a while.
man two (david) : ehm, no you're not. plus, even if she had aids she could still live for decades.
man one (jeff) : cool story. i'll sleep on the couch.
man two (david) : no you won't.
man one (jeff) : look, i've just spent an entire week on a fucking boat to get here. and considering the only thing i hate more than people is the ocean, it was an awful experience. plus i'm exhausted. i'm sleeping here and that's final. you can go back to your porn, or whatever. i don't mind. just try to keep it on the down low.
man two (david) : i wasn't watching porn!
man one (jeff) : hey, it's your apartment, you do whatever you like ; that's none of my business.
man two (david) : i know that! simply, i wasn't...
man one (jeff) : shutting him up · ...what's your name?
man two (david) : david.
man one (jeff) : okay. well, please shut up, david. and let me sleep.
six hours later
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woman six (leila) : what are you doing here?!
man one (jeff) : i was sleeping!
woman six (leila) : on my couch!
man one (jeff) : stoop observation, lei. you should quit your job and become a private...
woman six (leila) : shutting him up · ...dick!
man one (jeff) : exactly.
woman six (leila) : how did you even get into a plane? aren't you a fugitive?
man one (jeff) : ever heard of fake passports? and i took a ferry.
woman six (leila) : that explains the smell.
man one (jeff) : yeah. can i go back to sleep now?
woman six (leila) : not before you tell me what the fuck you're doing here?
man one (jeff) : i gotta lay low for a while. i pissed a few people off.
woman six (leila) : shocking...
man one (jeff) : so, can i stay here for a few weeks?
woman six (leila) : no.
man one (jeff) : thank you, sis. i knew you'd be cool about it.
woman six (leila) : fuck you. for how long?
man one (jeff) : about a month. two tops. and i love you too, lei.
woman six (leila) : mhh, a month is fine by me, i guess. but you'll have to check with david.
man one (jeff) : oh, i already did. he's completely okay about it. glad even. he likes me, i can tell.
man two (david) : yelling through his bedroom door · no, i don't.
scene two – in a London pub
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man two (david) : it's been almost three months now, mate. you need to find a job.
man one (jeff) : oh come on, not you too! you don't have a job either!
man two (david) : i'm a student. i'm not supposed to have a job.
man one (jeff) : yeah, you're supposed to study. but you never do that either.
man two (david) : true, but that's neither here nor there. you need to start paying rent!
man one (jeff) : how do you pay for rent?
man two (david) : i don't. my parents do. like most students.
man one (jeff) : most rich students...
man fourteen (Orange) : here you go, fellows.
man two (david) : thanks. to jeff · i'll be right back.
man one (jeff) : to Orange · say, what do you think about him?
man fourteen (Orange) : i beg your pardon?
man one (jeff) : the guy in your toilets. what do you think about him?
man fourteen (Orange) : why?
man one (jeff) : i'd just like your opinion.
man fourteen (Orange) : well, i think he is fat.
man one (jeff) : no shit. i didn't mean physically ; i ain't blind. i meant his personality. what do you think of his personality?
man fourteen (Orange) : how would i know? i met him two minutes ago. and why are you even asking me that?
man one (jeff) : i don't know ; i'm just not sure about him... taking a sip of his pint · i don't mean to be a dick, but this beer is awful.
man fourteen (Orange) : ... you've probably been told already, but you are a really annoying individual.
man one (jeff) : oh i've been told. repeatedly. taking another sip · this is really disgusting!
man fourteen (Orange) : if you don't like it, you can leave...
man one (jeff) : i don't like it.
man fourteen (Orange) : then leave.
man two (david) : getting out of the toilet · this pub has the most disgusting toilet i've ever seen!
man one (jeff) : and the shittiest beer i've ever tasted. and i spent most my life in america...
man fourteen (Orange) : again, if...
man one (jeff) : shutting him up · ..."i don't like it...", yeah, i got it. to david · we're leaving. pay him.
man two (david) : but i haven't drank my pint yet!
man one (jeff) : consider yourself lucky.
man two (david) : but...
man one (jeff) : shutting him up · ...david, buddy, just shut up and pay the man. i'm doing you a favor.
man two (david) : pff, fine! here you go. to jeff · i don't know if you're aware of that, but you're kind of a asshole.
man one (jeff) : don't worry, i know.
man fourteen (Orange) : watching them leave · he is kind of an asshole!
man sixteen (in the back of the pub) : yeah.
man fourteen (Orange) : you know who he reminds me of?
man sixteen : mhh?
man fourteen (Orange) : Pink!
man sixteen : thinking about it, then nodding · mhh.
man fourteen (Orange) : you don't talk much, do you, new White?
man sixteen (White) : no.
man fourteen (Orange) : i like that. the previous White spoke all the time. that's what killed him.
man sixteen (White) : mhh.
​
david reenterring the pub
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man two (david) : forgot my flapjack bar.
scene three – in a London club
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man two (david) : i hate everything about this place.
woman six (leila) : you hate everything everywhere, david.
man one (jeff) : entering the club ah, here you are!
woman six (leila) : oh my god! you took your robe... to a nightclub?! how did you even pass the bouncer?
man one (jeff) : don't worry about it. what the fuck are we doing here?
woman six (leila) : oh come on, don't start... you finally found a job! that calls for celebration!
man one (jeff) : shouldn't i be the one choosing where we celebrate?
woman six (leila) : normally, yes. but, with you, it'd probably be in our apartment, so...
man one (jeff) : yes it would.
woman six (leila) : that's why i chose.
man one (jeff) : since when do you go to nightclubs?
woman six (leila) : what's wrong with nightclubs?
man two (david) : what isn't wrong with clubs?
man one (jeff) : looking at david pleasantly surprised · exactly.
man two (david) : what?
man one (jeff) : what?
man two (david) : why are you looking at me like that?
man one (jeff) : oh. nothing. i just i think i may have misjudged you...
man two (david) : how do you mean?
man one (jeff) : don't worry about it.
woman six (leila) : sooo?
man one (jeff) : so?
woman six (leila) : the job!
man one (jeff) : the job?
woman six (leila) : yes, the job! your text only said : "got a job at KLIM's". that's not very specific... what kind of company is it? what do you do?
man one (jeff) : i drink milk.
man two (david) : suspicious · you drink milk?
man one (jeff) : yeah. 1%.
man two (david) : that's it?
man one (jeff) : i think so.
man two (david) : that's ludicrous! drinking milk is not a job!
woman six (leila) : no, it's not!
man one (jeff) : apparently it is.
woman six (leila) : where did you hear about that job?
man one (jeff) : there was a flyer in the hallway.
woman six (leila) : what hallway?
man one (jeff) : in our building.
woman six (leila) : there was a job offer flyer in the hallway of our building?
man one (jeff) : yeah. so?
man two (david) : that's weird. i've never seen one. mr. moustafa would take it out immediately.
man one (jeff) : well, today he didn't. can we move on?
man two (david) : wait, you work at KLIM's, right?
man one (jeff) : i do.
man two (david) : and your job is to drink milk?
man one (jeff) : 1% milk, yes... so?
man two (david) : did you notice that KLIM is milk backwards?
man one (jeff) : amazing...
man two (david) : although it's KLIM's, so i guess it'd be s'milk. but still.
woman six (leila) : what exactly is the purpose?
man one (jeff) : the purpose?
woman six (leila) : of you drinking milk? how is KLIM's gonna make money out of you drinking milk?
man one (jeff) : no idea. i couldn't care less.
woman six (leila) : what does KLIM do exactly?
man one (jeff) : it's some kind of a laboratory. from what i gathered they do experiments and stuff.
woman six (leila) : that's not vague at all... what do the letters K.L.I.M. even stand for? or is it a name?
man two (david) : it stands for milk ; or s'milk. but backwards.
woman six (leila) : shut up, david. to jeff · so?
man one (jeff) : how should i know?
woman six (leila) : how do you not?!
man one (jeff) : look, i saw a flyer saying something like "you want to make good money drinking milk? give us a call". and i did want that – it's kind of the best job ever, honestly. so i called. they gave me an address ; i went ; i met with an HR rep or something ; she asked me questions about my eating habits ; i lied ; she hired me. pretty standard, really.
woman six (leila) : and you didn't ask anything about the organization you were just hired at?
man one (jeff) : no.
woman six (leila) : okay, but before you went to the interview? you MUST have looked KLIM's up online, so you'd have something to say in the interview?
man one (jeff) : that i did.
woman six (leila) : ah! and?
man one (jeff) : nothing.
woman six (leila) : nothing?
man one (jeff) : not a thing.
man two (david) : they don't have a website?
man one (jeff) : yes, they do. but there is no information about the company. about anything, really. only a contact number. same one that was on the flyer.
woman six (leila) : that's it?
man one (jeff) : that's it.
man two (david) : not even an "about us"?
man one (jeff) : no.
woman six (leila) : that's so weird...
man two (david) : indeed. quite bizarre.
woman six (leila) : okay, i only have one more question.
man one (jeff) : ... fine. but then, that's it. i'm getting tired of this interrogation.
woman six (leila) : did you take your robe to the interview?
man one (jeff) : of course i did. was i supposed to buy a suit? for a job about drinking milk?
woman six (leila) : yes, you were.
man one (jeff) : that's ridiculous. to david · would you have?
man two (david) : no. but i don't like milk.
scene four – inside a flat
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man two (david) : you're going out?
man one (jeff) : yeah.
man two (david) : where to? wait, let me guess... now that you have some money, you're finally going to buy some proper clothes?
man one (jeff) : oh shut up, david. robes are awesome.
man two (david) : no they are not. they make you look like a hippie.
man one (jeff) : you take that back!
man two (david) : rolling his eyes · where are you going?
man one (jeff) : i'm gonna buy some 1% milk. wanna come with?
man two (david) : why?
man one (jeff) : i'm bored. and you're entertaining. stupid, but entertaining.
man two (david) : fuck you.
man one (jeff) : come on!
man two (david) : no.
man one (jeff) : i'll buy you a sandwich.
man two (david) : ... let me get my coat.