Robeman
#5 PALINGENESIA
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scene one – THREE YEARS AGO – in a New York apartment
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unidentified man (sat in a chair in the shadows, speaking to a scared man) : you know, i hate baseball. i truly do. i mean, there is no sport i hate as much as golf – that stupid fat-fuck boring-as-hell so-called "leisure" –, but blow me if baseball ain't a close second. and all the fuss about it in this lovely country of yours : i don't get it. the most entertaining part of a baseball match is seeing a few assholes running in circle and chasing each others' balls like a bunch of eunuchs, then acting all smug about it, as if it is some kind of a big deal. rest of the time, it's not dynamic in the slightest. you're simply waiting for people – professional players, might i add – to stop missing that fucking ball, man. the fucking ball they're paid MILLIONS not to miss. a monkey could do it.
gets up, then points a baseball bat at the man
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there is one thing, however, i do enjoy about that sport : the bat. now, the baseball bat is a beautiful item. and what's even more beautiful about it is that you're allowed to walk any street of the United States of America holding a baseball bat and nobody is gonna have a scare in the world, because you're probably off to play some good old fashion baseball with your pals. you don't have to hide it! well, i don't have to hide it. i'm guessing people like you, all nasty looking and shit, i'm guessing you get a few heads turning your way whenever you walk the streets holding a baseball bat. but normal looking people, like myself, well, nobody questions it. for instance, i walked about half a mile to get here, holding my bat all the way through, and i must have passed at least a thousand people – New York being a crowded city and all – and nobody, and i do mean nobody, looked at me funny. in all fairness, i am wearing a baseball cap ; but still. none of 'em. that's one of the many, many reasons i love this country so much.
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steps out of the shadows, revealing himself as the future (fake) Robeman
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another good reason – the very reason we're here at this very moment, in fact –, is that the country is filled with cunts. you practically can't face any situation without having to deal with one. you being the cunt in this particular situation, but i suppose you got that. you're in trouble, my friend. but i suppose you got that too. see, i came here to collect the money you owe Mrs. Zhao. and unless you got 30.000$ underneath your shirt, which i highly doubt, we're gonna have a problem. because, while waiting for you, i looked everywhere in this little shithole you call a home – didn't take me very long –, and, sadly, all i could find was 20 bucks under your mattress and a bunch of used needles lying on the floor – which is disgusting, by the way ; aren’t you aware of the existence of trash cans, you fucking junkie? don't answer, it was a rhetorical question. not that you know what that means.
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poking gently the heroin addict in the belly
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okay, so here's the situation : the good news is, i ain't gonna kill you, so you can stop shaking like a little girl – unless… do you need a fix? the bad news, however, is that you're gonna have to feed me 30.000$ worth of information. and well, considering the man you're working for, i'm guessing you won't willingly give that away ; hence the bat. and who could blame you? The Butcher is a true savage. but then again, you working for that savage is the only reason you're still alive. so you outta be grateful he is the man he is.
violently hitting the heroin addict against the back wall with his bat
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now, are you gonna be cooperative with me, shitstick, or are we gonna have some fun?!
scene two – in a London flat
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man one : i don't like it. it feels fucking weird... why can't i just put it above the suit?
man two (david) : because nobody has ever gone to a funeral with a robe on. we're going to pay our respects, not to make a fuss.
man one : but i didn't respect that weirdo! plus, i'm Robeman. i'm sure they'll understand. they might show up in costume themselves.
man two (david) : well that's the thing, isn't it? you're NOT Robeman. he was.
man one : if you wanna get all technical about it...
man two (david) : we're going to ROBEMAN funerals. you CAN'T be Robeman anymore.
man one : fine... but i don't even know why we are going to this thing.
woman six (leila) : we're going because the reason he died was to trade me off. and me getting kidnapped only happened because YOU got involved. now quit acting like a baby and put a tie on.
man one : you really think i'm able to do that?
woman six (leila) : you're useless.
man one : yes, i am. and you know what? i changed my mind : i'm not going. i didn't know the guy.
woman six (leila) : yes, you are!
man one : oh, you changed your tone. guess i'm going then!
man two (david) : calm down.
man one : shut up, da...
woman six (leila) : shutting him up · ... no, for once, you're the one that's going to shut up, jeff! that man tried to help you – to help us, in fact – and died because of it. we're going to his funeral, all of us. end of story!
man one (jeff) : you're turning into mom, you know that?
woman six (leila) : how DARE you?
man two (david) : opening the fridge · oh come on! water only? to jeffrey · speaking of, did you ever call your employers? about the 1% milk?
man one (jeff) : no. and there is still none in the shops...
man two (david) : shouldn't you call them?
man one (jeff) : yes, david, i should.
man two (david) : well, why don't you?
man one (jeff) : i'm busy. i've got to go to a funeral, apparently.
man two (david) : you're just pushing away the inevitable. you know that, don't you?
man one (jeff) : i didn't until just now. thank you, dude! idiot...
scene three – in a London church
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man one (jeff) : i love eulogies. especially of men i knew nothing of...
woman six (leila) : will you stop whining already?
man eleven (Pink) : sitting in a chair behind jeffrey · long way from New York, isn't it?
man two (david) : what?
man eleven (Pink) : i knew i had seen your face before.
man one (jeff) : i don't know what you're talking about, man. fuck off.
man eleven (Pink) : oh yes you do, Truth Serum.
man one (jeff) : ...
man two (david) : did he just call you Truth Serum?
woman six (leila) : whispering · will you guys please shut... oh my god! that's you! to david and jeffrey · that's Pink!
man two (david) : surprised · that's Pink?
man eleven (Pink) : careful now, fatty.
woman one : shhh.
man one (jeff) : mh. when i heard the maniac's name was Pink, i wondered if it was you. i mean, what are the odds?
man eleven (Pink) : well, i am English. this is England. can't be that surprising, can it? what's actually surprising is your presence here.
man one (jeff) : i didn't wanna come, to be honest. pointing at leila · she made me.
man eleven (Pink) : oh yes, the lovely leila bridges. the first woman i ever spared.
woman six (leila) : i'm honored. hi there, Yellow. still hanging with that sociopath, i see?
man twelve (Yellow) : hi!
man eleven (Pink) : wait a second, was it feminism? it feels like feminism.
man twelve (Yellow) : what? not killing her?
man eleven (Pink) : well yeah, not killing a woman.
man twelve (Yellow) : no... no it was not. it wasn't feminism in any way or form. it was just acting normal. which for you is amazing, i must admit.
man eleven (Pink) : thank you. anyway, what are you doing in England, you fucking yankee? did you quit Zhao's gang?
man one (jeff) : yankee? i ain't an unitedstatsian...
man eleven (Pink) : what?
man one (jeff) : i'm mexican.
man two (david) : what?!
man eleven (Pink) : but it doesn't make any sense. Yellow found your flat because your fat friend...
man two (david) : oy!
man eleven (Pink) : ...were the only Scot of London living with an American. how can that be, if you're not American?
man one (jeff) : well, my sister is. by marriage.
man two (david) : MARRIAGE?! to leila · you're married?!
woman one : shhh!
man one (jeff) : of course she is. why do you think we have different last names?
man eleven (Pink) : so she is your sister? i don't see it. but wait a minute, YOU're the one squatting the couch?
man one (jeff) : squatting is a bit much ; i'm not a fucking hippie. but yes.
man eleven (Pink) : but you used to live in New York back in the days, didn't you? we first met over there.
man one (jeff) : yeah so? i was living there illegally. i'm living here illegally too, as a matter of fact.
man twelve (Yellow) : you do realize i'm a policeman, don't you? i could arrest you.
man one (jeff) : first, considering the fact you're hanging out with this maniac, i'm guessing you're a criminal as well. second, i...
man two (david) : shutting him up · ... i can't believe it! i don't know you at all... you're mexican? and a criminal!
man one (jeff) : oh, because i'm mexican, i must be a criminal. clapping · that's nice, david. real classy.
man two (david) : no, you're a criminal because you were a gang member!
man one (jeff) : how convenient...
man two (david) : well, in your gang, weren't you partaking in some criminal activities?
man one (jeff) : sometimes, i guess.
man two (david) : then you're a criminal!
man one (jeff) : that's a bit of an oversimplification.
man eleven (Pink) : i'm bored. we're leaving. but you and i will have a chat later, Truth Serum. and it won't be so cordial, i'm afraid.
man two (david) : okay, i must know... why “Truth Serum”?
woman one : will you people PLEASE shut up!
man one (jeff) : yeah, shut up david!
scene four – in a London cemetery
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woman one : you lied to me!
man one (jeff) : i did? well, i'm sure i meant to call you back, love. in fact, a pretty face like yours, i'm surprised i didn't. whispering to david · don't remember her at all, i must have been shitfaced.
woman six (leila) : what a gentleman...
woman one : what?! we never slept together, you pig!
woman six (leila) : hi there! i'm leila. you've obviously met my wonderful baby brother.
woman one : oh hi, nice to meet you. and yes, i did. he is a cock.
woman six (leila) : no argument there.
man one (jeff) : so we didn't sleep together? then what did i lie to you about? i'm usually pretty honest. most people find that extremely annoying.
woman six (leila) : he is right. we do.
man two (david) : i concur.
woman one : you said you were Robeman! and YOU said you were Fatboy. you're not, are you? to herself · i should have known… the accents were different.
man two (david) : no, sorry. apparently he died too. a while ago i think.
woman one : jesus! that's horrifying! what's happening to our members?
man one (jeff) : wait a second. are you the girl who was wearing that weird pink rabbit suit? whispering to david · the dibs still stands.
woman one : yes, i am. i'm Bunnygirl. and you two are imposters!
man two (david) : isn't that the name of the playboy costume?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : it might be... so what? mine is not slutty.
man one (jeff) : why would you even know that?
man two (david) : i just know stuff.
man one (jeff) : amazing. you're a true masturbating encyclopedia, aren't you?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : quiet! you guys keep talking when you should be listening! you two are the worst : you came in our cave without being invited, you got involved with Robeman and probably got him killed, and then you kept talking out loud during his funeral! and you didn't even go to paintball, when you told me you'd go! they got obliterated!
man one (jeff) : what?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : the other day. you came – uninvited – to the reunion, super late, and you said you'd go help the team. Superteeth's strategy would have worked way better with two more men! and i called them to say you were coming... you made me a liar!
man one (jeff) : wow... uhm... we are... sorry?
man two (david) : so your speech about "quest" and "danger" was about... paintball?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : it sure was!
man one (jeff) : aren't you suppose to be stopping criminals and stuff? wasn't it Flewermann’s vision for your little group?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : yes, it was. it is. and we are! sometimes... but it doesn't mean we can't have a little fun once in a while. or, you know, twice a week.
man two (david) : wait. if the "quest" was paintball, why couldn't you go with them?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : i might have gotten carried away last time i went.
man two (david) : meaning?
woman one (Bunnygirl) : i might have thrown carrot-shaped shurikens at the enemy…
man two (david) & woman six (leila) : what?!
man one (jeff) : fuck. you are insane.
woman six (leila) : okay, that's a lot of completely useless – and scary – information to process. but as funny as this is, i'm afraid i must leave. i have to go to work. see you guys later. nice to have met you, "Bunny".
woman one (Bunnygirl) : you too! have a lovely day!
man two (david) : bye! i still can't believe she's married.
man one (jeff) : yeah, because otherwise you'd have a definite shot, i'm sure.
man two (david) : i don't fancy her!
man one (jeff) : yes, you do.
woman one (Bunnygirl) : yes, you do.
man two (david) : i don't! it's just... you think you know a person and...
man one (jeff) : shutting him up · ...shut up, david. let it go. plus, the guy is still living in the states, and i'm almost certain he has no idea where she is. so you can chill about it.
man two (david) : i am chilled. i don't even care.
man one (jeff) & woman one (Bunnygirl) : yes, you do!
scene five – in a London pub
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man eleven (Pink) : you asked for me, “boss”?
man fifteen (Green) : yes, i believe i did. three days ago, you dickhead! to Orange · leave us. to Pink · where were you?
man eleven (Pink) : Robeman's funerals. pointing at Yellow · we both were.
man fifteen (Green) : before that!
man eleven (Pink) : ah... Edinburgh. had to check something.
man fifteen (Green) : and what was that exactly?
man eleven (Pink) : i'm afraid that will remain between me and Goat.
man twelve (Yellow) : i thought you said you were done with god.
man eleven (Pink) : Goat isn't god, but i understand your confusion.
man fifteen (Green) : what in the fuck are you talking about? who is Goat?
man eleven (Pink) : does it really matter? what did you want with me?
man fifteen (Green) : pointing a gun at him · i wanted to kill you.
man eleven (Pink) : oh. then pardon me for not coming here sooner.
man fifteen (Green) : quit smart-mouthing. why THE FUCK did you kill Robeman for?
man eleven (Pink) : i don't know. probably 'cause you told me not to.
man fifteen (Green) : you are without a doubt the worst contract killer i've ever hired.
man eleven (Pink) : "but you have hired me".
man fifteen (Green) : what?
man eleven (Pink) : —jack sparrow. sort of.
man fifteen (Green) : answer me seriously, WHY DID YOU KILL THAT MAN?
man eleven (Pink) : i think i might be a little homophobic.
man twelve (Yellow) : you are.
man eleven (Pink) : don't worry, i'm working on it.
man fifteen (Green) : you killed him because he was gay?!
man eleven (Pink) : i killed him because i'm a killer.
man fifteen (Green) : so?! you were literally ordered not to!
man eleven (Pink) : have i ever told you the barking dog story?
man fifteen (Green) : pff… no, i don't believe you have. go ahead ; entertain me.
man eleven (Pink) : well, i had this friend.
man fifteen (Green) : hang on, YOU had a friend?
man eleven (Pink) : of course not, it's a made up story. to make a point.
man fifteen (Green) : right. of course. go on.
man eleven (Pink) : so this guy buys a dog.
man twelve (Yellow) : what breed?
man fifteen (Green) : who cares, you idiot?! go on Pink. and be quick about it.
man eleven (Pink) : the dog keeps barking. all the time ; that's all it ever does.
man fifteen (Green) : ... realizing Pink is done talking · that's quite a story...
man eleven (Pink) : isn't it?
man fifteen (Green) : was that all?
man eleven (Pink) : pretty much.
man twelve (Yellow) : cool story. i mean, it wasn't exactly poetry, but i liked it.
man eleven (Pink) : i know it's not poetry. i wasn't trying to be Mozart or anything.
man twelve (Yellow) : Mozart wasn't a poet. he was a composer.
man eleven (Pink) : shut up, Yellow. he was a music poet ; it counts.
man fifteen (Green) : i'm sorry, Pink, but i seem to have missed your point.
man twelve (Yellow) : come on boss, it's pretty obvious : dogs bark. simple.
man fifteen (Green) : yes, dogs bark ; so what?
man eleven (Pink) : you aren't even kidding?
man fifteen (Green) : no, i wasn't.
man eleven (Pink) : right. i'll go on then, i suppose.
man fifteen (Green) : or you could just tell me.
man eleven (Pink) : i could. but i prefer my barking dog analogy. shite, i just realized : it's basically the scorpio and the frog. i thought i was being original... meh, i'll stick to my story.
man fifteen (Green) : scorpio? what ?! you'd better be clearer, Pink. i might get angry. you wouldn’t want me angry, would you ? not with a gun in your face, you wouldn’t…
man eleven (Pink) : blabla. fine : at some point, the owner gets tired of all the barking.
man fifteen (Green) : understandably...
man eleven (Pink) : if you say so. anyway, he gets mad and tells the dog : "you know, i love you, i do, but i'm getting tired of the constant barking. i can't bare it anymore." and you know what happens next…
man fifteen (Green) : do i?
man eleven (Pink) : the dog simply looks at him, and then, what do you know? shoots Green in the heart · it barks.
scene six – in a London flat
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man one (jeff) : home sweet home! i can finally get rid of that filthy suit and put my sweet, sweet robe on.
man two (david) : that sounds incredibly gay... oh wait, i shouldn't be saying that, you'll probably get mad and kill me.
man one (jeff) : taking his clothes off · why would i? i couldn't care less. being a former gangster doesn't make me homophobic, you know?
man two (david) : almost seems as if you're proud of being a criminal!
man one (jeff) : well i'm certainly not ashamed of it.
man two (david) : you should be!
man one (jeff) : oh shut up already, david! i've had it!
man two (david) : i can't believe you use to work with that crazy assassin!
man one (jeff) : what?! fuck no. Pink is a legit maniac! that knows where we live, by the way... he needs to be stopped!
man two (david) : what are you saying?
man one (jeff) : putting some comfortable clothes on · i'm saying i'm gonna finish what our weird friend, the late Robeman, started. i'm gonna use my skills – yes, i do have a few – to destroy Green's organization.
man two (david) : so you're not gonna call your employer about the 1% milk non-drinking?
man one (jeff) : don't you think we've got bigger fishes to fry?!
man two (david) : fish.
man one (jeff) : what?
man two (david) : plural of fish is fish.
man one (jeff) : can’t your know-it-alleries wait, hermione? don’t you see i'm trying to sound epic?!
man two (david) : sorry. what are you going to do to them?
man one (jeff) : i'm gonna go full viggo mortensen on their asses!
man two (david) : aragorn?
man one (jeff) : what?! no! joey Cusack!
man two (david) : uhm ?
man one (jeff) : a history of violence?
man two (david) : never seen it.
man one (jeff) : well, he fucks people up, and so will i. and you're gonna help, david. or should i say... Fatboy! i don't know how yet, you being useless and all, but you will.
man two (Fatboy) : right. can i change my name though?
man one (jeff) : of course not! the previous Fatboy died so you could take his name!
man two (Fatboy) : that's not accurate.
man one (jeff) : weren't you the one saying it was destiny that made us take both their names randomly?
man two (Fatboy) : actually no. i said it was incredible. which it is.
man one (jeff) : but what's more incredible than destiny, i ask you?
man two (Fatboy) : well destiny is, in fact, incredible ; as in impossible to believe – if you have a functioning brain, that is.
man one (jeff) : see, you agree with me!
man two (Fatboy) : i really don't, actually.
man one (jeff) : i knew you'd come around!
man two (Fatboy) : i didn't.
man one (jeff) : it's decided then!
man two (Fatboy) : no, it's not.
man one (jeff) : come on, Fatboy, putting his robe on · off we go!
man two (Fatboy) : pff, fine... then, i suppose there is only one thing left to say. and in honor of your predecessor, i'll say it in french : "Robeman est mort, vive Robeman !"
end of volume one