Robeman

#1 | #2 | #4 | #5

#3 ROBEMEN

scene one – in a hotel lobby

man one : who the fuck are you?!

man ten : i am Robeman!

man one (fake Robeman) : what?! YOU are Robeman? that's not even a robe you're wearing, that's a dress! a pink dress. with a weird looking mask, if i can even call it that. and purple boots. you look batshit crazy!

man ten (Robeman) : i will have you know i am french...

man one (fake Robeman) : yes, i can hear that, but what does it have to do with anything?

man ten (Robeman) : robe means dress in french.

man one (fake Robeman) : and how do you say man in french?

man ten (Robeman) : homme ; why?

man one (fake Robeman) : well, then you're Robomme.

man ten (Robeman) : it would be l'Homme-Robe.

man one (fake Robeman) : fine! l'Homme-Robe. or Dressman. or The Transvestite – which you clearly are! no jugement though, but still... – for all i care! but you're definitely not Robeman! i am.

man two (david) : that's right. and i'm Fatboy.

man ten (Robeman) : you are not Fatboy.

man two (fake Fatboy) : thank you!

man ten (Robeman) : no, i did not mean "you are not fat, boy". you obviously are. i meant you are not Fatboy ; as in, my actual partner. well, former partner really, since he has been killed.

man one (fake Robeman) & man two (fake Fatboy) : what?!

man ten (Robeman) : yes. none of this is a game, fellows. now, about my Super-Hero name, i am Robeman. you, on the other hand, are a FRAUD. both of you, actually.

man two (fake Fatboy) : wait a second : Fatboy was your partner?

man ten (Robeman) : he was indeed.

man two (fake Fatboy) : don't you find that incredibly random that we took fake identities that happened to be yours AND your partner's?

man ten (Robeman) : i sincerely do not care.

man two (fake Fatboy) : are you kidding me ?

man one (fake Robeman) : neither do i. sorry, dude.

man two (fake Fatboy) : how are neither of you amazed by this? this is incredible! maybe one in a million chances! well, actually, since we took two of the identities on that list, the probabilities depend on the number of members that Super-Hero club has but...

man one (fake Robeman) : shutting him up · ...oh shut up, david! we don't give a shit.

man ten (Robeman) : we should leave. they probably tried to contact their messenger by now. which means they are on their way.

man two (fake Fatboy) : what do you mean?

man ten (Robeman) : i mean they will suspect something is wrong when nobody answers the phone.

man one (fake Robeman) : why wouldn't the messenger answer his phone?

man ten (Robeman) : mh... probably because i killed him.

man one (fake Robeman) & man two (fake Fatboy) : WHAT?!

man ten (Robeman) : i told you it was not a game. they killed my partner. i will destroy them all. now, we go.

man two (fake Fatboy) : where?

man ten (Robeman) : to my car.

man one (fake Robeman) : the "Robemobile"?

man ten (Robeman) : no, it is a peugeot 206.

man one (fake Robeman) : ... that's… yeah, okay.

man two (fake Fatboy) : will you be able to drive in those heels?

man ten (Robeman) : i only do it every day. cheerfully · to the peugeot!

man one (fake Robeman) : why exactly are you happy, right now? you just killed a man.

man ten (Robeman) : i simply find revenge very exciting ; do you not?

man two (fake Fatboy) : not even a little bit. whispering · this man is insane!

man one (fake Robeman) : whispering · fuckin' A!

man two (fake Fatboy) : whispering · plus, i think he's got a boner...

scene two – in a London hospital

man eleven : what does she look like?

man twelve : no idea. but her name is leila, so probably indian.

man eleven : great. the car's gonna smell like curry for a week...

arriving in front of a very pale looking child

man eleven : you okay, there? smiling evilly · you look a little sick.

man twelve : come on, Pink. even for you, that's pretty outrageous.

man eleven (Pink) : do you know a leila, little man?

kid one : uhm... cough · yes... she...

man eleven (Pink) : hurry up, kid. we don't have much time. well... you don't.

kid one : she... cough · is with cough · with LeBron... over there...

man eleven (Pink) : brilliant. whispering · i give him two days.

man twelve : there. white lass though.

man eleven (Pink) : yeah, but that kid is definitely a LeBron, so it must be her.

man twelve : fit girl. i'd shag her.

man eleven (Pink) : we're not here to chase women, you wanker.

man twelve : i know that. i'm just saying, she's...

man eleven (Pink) : shutting him up · ... shut up, Yellow. she'll probably end up dead anyway, so don't get too attached.

man twelve (Yellow) : you're always so grim.

man eleven (Pink) : i prefer realistic. but don't worry, if you behave, i'll let you have a go at her while she's still fresh.

man twelve (Yellow) : you're disgusting!

man eleven (Pink) : winking at him · excuse me lady, is your name leila by any chance?

woman six : yes. why?

man eleven (Pink) : you're coming with us.

woman six (leila) : ehm, no i'm not...

man eleven (Pink) : oh, i'm sorry. i meant : pointing a gun at her · you're coming with us...

scene three – in a peugeot 206

man two (fake Fatboy) : what's that noise?

man ten (Robeman) : i am guessing the messenger's phone ring.

man one (fake Robeman) : what? where is it coming from?

man ten (Robeman) : the trunk. where did you think i would put the body?

man one (fake Fatboy) : i still can't believe you killed that man. he was harmless.

man ten (Robeman) : no broken baker is harmless.

man one (fake Robeman) : okay, what exactly is a "broken baker"?

man ten (Robeman) : you do not know? wow, you really are clueless about everything that is going on, are you not? they are drugs dealers.

man one (fake Robeman) : drugs dealers?! what does it have to do with bakeries?

man ten (Robeman) : well, the bakery was a front.

man two (fake Fatboy) : i think i saw that on the telly. in a tv series or something.

man ten (Robeman) : you know, having a front business is pretty standard when you are selling drugs on a big scale. but yes, they got the idea of the bakery from an episode of "weeds". see, a few years ago, Green – that is their boss – started a small bakery to sell his drugs, like in the show. he was selling every illegal narcotic, so, as you would expect, the business quickly grew huge. in two years, he owned four shops in London.

man one (fake Robeman) : that's pretty impressive.

man ten (Robeman) : indeed, but it got the attention of the bakers of London. and, of course, the inevitable happened : they discovered the truth. even though he got the police in his pockets, Green's bakeries were shut down, and he created the "guild of broken bakers", which he named that way mostly to taunt them. now, every baker in London fears to be associated with those rats ; it is bad business.

man one (fake Robeman) : i don’t see why : i would totally shop in an illegal drogshop. but that sort of explains the reaction of the deranged baker.

man ten (Robeman) : ah yes, i saw him point a gun at you.

man one (fake Robeman) : what ?!

man two (fake Fatboy) : you were there?!

man ten (Robeman) : i was.

man one (fake Robeman) : ... how did you..? ... why did..? how come... WHAT THE FUCK?!

man ten (Robeman) : i get that you are a little bit confused right now, but do not yell while i am driving please. it is very unsafe.

man one (fake Robeman) : i need answers!

man two (fake Fatboy) : we both do!

man ten (Robeman) : okay... so, about twenty years ago...

man two (fake Fatboy) : shutting him up · ... do you really have to go back that far?

man one (fake Robeman) : shut up david! for the first time today, we're getting some actual information.

man two (fake Fatboy) : yes, but his stories are...

man one (fake Robeman) : shutting him up · ...long and boring, i know ; but whatever. go on, dude.

man ten (Robeman) : charmant. i simply want you to know what is going on here, since you apparently have no clue. so, as i was saying, about twenty years ago a man named francis Flewermann died. he owned a bank that had been handling the money of most of Britain criminals for generations. he had twin sons. they were supposed to manage the business together, but one of them, noel, refused to be a criminal. he wanted "to help people in need, not arseholes". his words.

man two (fake Fatboy) : what does this have to do with you following us?

man one (fake Robeman) : i hate to agree with david, but seriously, get to the point man. i mean, come on!

man ten (Robeman) : i am. noel created the Super Hero club you walked into earlier today. the idea was to gather a bunch of people that wanted to help London by getting rid of its scum.

man one (fake Robeman) : so, basically, Batman stuff.

man ten (Robeman) : exactly. hence the costumes. and the "Super Heroes".

man one (fake Robeman) : about that... uhm, powers?

man ten (Robeman) : what? of course not! are you stupid?

man two (fake Fatboy) : i knew it!

man one (fake Robeman) : moving on...

man ten (Robeman) : the flower bank is not supposed to interfere. it is supposed to be a neutral place. but they were paid a good amount of money by the broken bakers to drug you, well... me... so they did. after all, they are bankers, they were not about to refuse free money. but to restore neutrality, liam Flewermann called his twin brother to tell him it would happen. that is why i was there.

man one (fake Robeman) : then why didn't you stop us from getting drugged?

man ten (Robeman) : because i was hoping it would get me to the broken bakers. but when i tortured the man you spoke with i realized he was only a messenger, so i killed him. their messengers are low in the bakers' hierarchy. they only communicate with Green by phone.

man two (fake Fatboy) : ... tortured?

man one (fake Robeman) : wait, we took the elevator right after the guy. he had like two minutes on us. maybe less. how did you have time to torture him?

man ten (Robeman) : i just punched him once in the stomach. he spoke instantly. if you can call “i don’t know anything, i don’t know anything” talk. anyway, that is it. do you have other questions? now is the time to ask.

man one (fake Robeman) : well, just the one : what's up with the 1% milk?

man ten (Robeman) : i beg your pardon?

man one (fake Robeman) : the 1% milk. why has it been removed from every fuckin’ store in London?!

man ten (Robeman) : i have no idea. to be honest, i did not know it had been removed. who cares, though? whatever the reason is, it has nothing to do with the bakers. not to my knowledge, at least.

man one (fake Robeman) : great...

man two (fake Fatboy) : i have another question.

man ten (Robeman) : yes?

man two (fake Fatboy) : where are you taking us?

man ten (Robeman) : you are about to find out. we are here...

scene four – in a whorehouse lobby

man one (fake Robeman) : correct me if i'm wrong, but this looks like a brothel...

man ten (Robeman) : a pleasure house ; we prefer to call it a pleasure house.

man two (fake Robeman) : call it what you want, doesn't change the fact these lovely ladies get paid to suck d...

man ten (Robeman) : shutting him up · …quiet! a couple of rules here : first, you only talk when you are asked a question. second, you do not stare at the working girls. i am talking to you, Fatboy fraud. stop acting like a pervert.

man two (fake Fatboy) : whispering · i'm not the one getting boners in weird places...

man one (fake Robeman) : whispering · as if i was gonna believe that...

arriving in front of a black door

man one (fake Robeman) : yelling another black door!

man ten (Robeman) : quiet i said! knocking at the door · the woman you are about to meet is a broken baker. DO NOT tell her i killed one of them.

man one (fake Robeman) : what?! why the fuck would you bring us to a member of their organization?

man two (fake Fatboy) : guild.

man one (fake Robeman) : whatever david... shut up!

man ten (Robeman) : just trust me. and stop asking questions.

door opening. an obese woman blocks the way

woman seven : you...

man ten (Robeman) : me. we came to see madame Red.

woman seven : what's the password?

man ten (Robeman) : this again?! you know me!

woman seven : no password, no passing.

man ten (Robeman) : it is caput draconis, you unoriginal cock.

woman seven : lovely as always, Robeman. you may enter...

scene five – in a whorehouse dark room

woman eight : ah, Robeman. what brings you here?

man ten (Robeman) : these two idiots.

man two (fake Fatboy) : oy!

man one (fake Robeman) : fuck you!

man ten (Robeman) : whispering · quiet!

woman eight : please elaborate, my dear.

man ten (Robeman) : of course, Red. these are the two men pretending to be Fatboy and myself.

woman eight (Red) : aaah. of course. you got yourselves into a bloody mess, young fellows.

man one (fake Robeman) & man two (fake Fatboy) : ...

woman eight (Red) : well?

man one (fake Robeman) : was that a question?

woman eight (Red) : explain yourselves.

man one (fake Robeman) : alright. you see, we just wanted milk.

woman eight (Red) : milk?

man one (fake Robeman) : yeah. we were walking down the street, just looking for milk, when we met this guy sorta guarding some door.

man two (fake Fatboy) : some black door.

man one (fake Robeman) : right. anyways, the guy was a prick. acting all important, like he was some kind of a big shot. it annoyed me, so i pretended we were on his list.

woman eight (Red) : his list?

man one (fake Robeman) : some sort of "Super Hero" exclusive party. i invented a Super Hero name and, weirdly enough, "Robeman" was on his list. which is ridiculous, considering the name. no offense, man.

man two (fake Fatboy) : then the "guard" guessed i was named Fatboy, for some reason.

man one (fake Robeman) : yeah, i wonder what made him think of that...

woman eight (Red) : what happened next?

man one (fake Robeman) : not much. we went in, we walked through some tunnel, we met a weird lady in a rabbit suit, she told us a bunch of nonsense, and then we left. honestly, i didn't think much of it, but apparently that's when the shitstorm began. we went into a Sainsbury’s to buy a sandwich, and when we came back our door was fucking black!

woman eight (Red) : could you please stop swearing?

man one (fake Robeman) : mhh. no.

woman eight (Red) : i must insist.

man two (fake Fatboy) : please do. whispering · she scares me!

man one (fake Robeman) : ... fine. whispering · pussy.

woman eight (Red) : were you finished?

man one (fake Robeman) : kinda. we got a message from the broken bakers, which led us to being drugged and then detained.

woman eight (Red) : yes, these pigs have brutal methods.

man two (fake Fatboy) : ... aren't you one of them?

woman eight (Red) : yes ; and no.

man two (fake Robeman) : right. what?

woman eight (Red) : let's just say i share the business side of the operation : i like money. the murdery side of it, not so much. Green got carried away. he got violent. obsessed with power. i, for one, prefer peace. peace means prosperity.

man one (fake Robeman) : Green and Red. are all broken bakers named after a color or?

woman eight (Red) : only the executives.

man one (fake Robeman) : how many are you?

woman eight (Red) : ten. Green, White, Black, Blue, Red, Orange, Yellow, Pink, Brown and Purple.

man one (fake Robeman) : i didn't need the complete list, but okay.

woman eight (Red) : you're very rude, young man.

man one (fake Robeman) : i've been told. so... why did they kill the real Fatboy?

woman eight (Red) : that's none of your concern.

man one (fake Robeman) : isn't it? we got drugged! kidnapped! threatened! then we learn his partner got shot! some crazy ass people seem to think i am some dangerous killer! i'd like to know why! what the f... hell is going on?!

man ten (Robeman) : i am not a dangerous killer. i just fight for justice!

man one (fake Robeman) : you do know you're not Batman, right?!

man ten (Robeman) : well, in many ways, i am...

man two (fake Fatboy) : shutting him up · … Batman doesn't crossdress! neither does he kill people! it's like his number one rule.

man one (fake Robeman) : whispering · shut up, david! he told us not to speak of the killing.

woman eight (Red) : what do you mean, "kill"?

man one (fake Robeman) : will someone PLEASE f...reaking answer me? to himself · jesus, not swearing is a lot harder than I would have thought.

man ten (Robeman) : may i?

woman eight (Red) : go ahead. he is right, they're in danger. they might as well know what they're up against...

man ten (Robeman) : fine. we were on a mission, Fatboy and i. madame Red had tipped us off on some weapon trade ; which is apparently the bakers newest hobby. anyway, we went over there, and some maniac threw an axe in his face. he could have killed me too – he had a gun pointed at me – but he just laughed and left. it was terrifying.

man one (fake Robeman) : okay, but how come they fear you then?

man ten (Robeman) : they do not. not yet. simply, after the death of my partner, i started to mess with their operation.

man two (fake Fatboy) : by killing them?

woman eight (Red) : i beg your pardon?! did you kill a baker, Robeman?

man ten (Robeman) : no, of course not! i just told them i was going to kill Green. i will also kill the axe guy.

woman eight (Red) : we talked about this... except for Pink – the degenerate that killed your friend – you cannot kill any of them ; especially Green. i was very clear about it : no killing. killing leads to more killing. not good for business.

man one (fake Robeman) : but him "messing with their operation" is fine with you?

woman eight (Red) : as long as the drug business is untouched, i don't mind. i don't have any parts on Green's weapons traffic.

madame Red's phone ringing

woman eight (Red) : yes?

person on the other line : ...

woman eight (Red) : really? that's interesting. especially since the man lives alone!

person on the other line : ...

woman eight (Red) : i'm talking about you changing the wrong people's door and then kidnapping the wrong girl, you incompetent children!

person on the other line (Pink or Yellow, through the phone) : ...

man one (fake Robeman) : what does she mean, kidnapping the wrong girl?

woman eight (Red) : remember who you're talking to, child. they might all be scared of you, but i'm not. and i'm NOT wrong. the Robeman you're talking about is a FAKE, you gigantic doofus! he only pretended to be Robeman for some idiotic reason. the real Robeman dresses like a fine lady of the night.

man ten (Robeman) : whispering · thank you, darling.