Robeman
#1 BLACK DOORS
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scene one – in a grocery store somewhere in London
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man one : shit.
man two : what?
man one : there is no 1% milk here.
man two : who cares?
man one : i do.
man two : why?
man one : you know why, stupid.
man two : no i don't.
man one : the experiment. 1% milk only, they said.
man two : come on… take the other one. just this time ; they'll never know.
man one : what if they do? what if they, like, test me or something?
man two : how?
man one : i don't know how, david. shut up. i'm no scientist. but they said 1% milk only. so i will only drink 1% fuckin' milk.
man two (david, apparently) : since when do you care that much about rules?
man one : since these people decided to pay me good money to drink milk, idiot. that's a dream job.
man two (david) : could you stop insulting me for no reason, arsehole? i don't even know why i came with...
man one : because i told you i'd buy you a sandwich.
man two (david) : which you won't even do, probably.
man one : indeed. let's go.
man two (david) : what? where?
man one : some other store.
man two (david) : but we don't know any other store. we always come here.
man one : so what? it's not that big a change. It’s not like we're having our balls removed or anything. we're just switching stores.
man two (david) : i don't like it.
man one : and i don't care.
scene two – in some street of London
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man one : fuckin' london. where are the fuckin' stores?
man two (david) : literally everywhere.
man one : yeah but those are for tourists. they don't sell milk to tourists.
man two (david) : tourists don't drink milk?
man one : shut up, david.
​
arriving in front of a black door guarded by a huge man
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man one : 'scuse me, sir, do they sell 1% milk in here?
man three : what? milk? No, of course not... now piss off, fellows! this is a private event. Super Heroes only.
man two (david) : what made you think this was a store? to the huge man · wait... did you just say "Super Heroes"?
man three : yes, i did. Super Heroes only. so fuck off.
man one : well my good man, i can proudly say we belong here. Super Heroes is exactly what we are.
man three : yeah right. you'd better go. i'm serious. i'm getting angry.
man one : i'm not kidding. we fight crime and shit.
man three : right. and i suppose this... dressing gown you're wearing... is your cape?
man one : my what?
man two : he means your robe…
man one : oh ; then yes, exactly. i am Robeman.
man three : get the fuck out of here before i hurt you...
man one (allegedly Robeman) : just check your list, man!
man two (david) : whispering · what are you doing? he's gonna beat us up!
man one (Robeman) : whispering · i don't know. i felt like bothering the guy.
man three : checking his list · oh shite! i'm very sorry, sir. please come on in. no mask, eh? that's pretty bad-ass.
man two (david) : you're saying there actually is a "Robeman" on the list? how the fuck is that even...
man one (Robeman) : shutting him up · ... of course there is, since i uhm... registered.
man three : i'm sorry but your friend can't enter, since he's not on the list.
man one (Robeman) : he is. i put him in as well.
man three : oh. so is he... checking the list again · Fatboy, maybe?
man two (david) : oy!
man one (Robeman) : that's pretty rude, dude.
man three · embarrassed : i'm sorry, gentlemen. it was on the list and i just… assumed. you know, seeing his... well… anyway, what's the name then?
man one (Robeman) : well...it's... uhm... it's actually Fatboy.
man two (david) : come on...
man three : but i thought you said...
man one (Robeman) : i said it was pretty offensive to assume that, just because my friend is fat, his Super Hero name would be Fatboy. but it turns out that is correct.
man three : i see. well come on in then. sorry again.
man one (Robeman) : no worries.
man two (david) : whispering fuck you, "Robeman".
scene three – in a long and dark tunnel
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man two (david) : why the fuck did you say Fatboy? i'm not even that fat...
man one (Robeman) : you're pretty fat, dude. and besides, i wasn't gonna guess an actual "Super Hero" name twice.
man two (david) : i can't believe there actually is a Super Hero named Robeman. or Fatboy for that matter. what kind of a Super Hero club is this?
man one (Robeman) : that is, indeed, pretty weird. but then, isn't the fact that grown people belong in some kind of Super Hero club strange itself? and what the fuck is a Super Hero club anyway ? MCU fanboys ?
man two (david) : we don’t know if they are grown people. they might as well be children.
man one (Robeman) : good point. anyways, let's move forward. seems like a pretty long tunnel.
man two (david) : what is the plan here exactly, "Robeman"?
man one (Robeman) : well, aren't you a tad curious about what's going on here?
man two (david) : not really. we were looking for milk, remember? how are we gonna find milk at a Super Hero party?
man one (Robeman) : maybe there is a Milkman.
man two (david) : ... you do realize there is no such thing as an actual Super Hero, right?
man one (Robeman) : i don't know. seems to me that's all the world is talking about nowadays.
man two (david) : yes, in the movies. but it doesn't make them real.
man one (Robeman) : don't be so close-minded, my sceptic Scottish friend.
man two (david) : have you actually seen any? like, eva’?
man one (Robeman) : well no. but to be fair, i don't go out that much anymore.
man two (david) : ... okay, so let's say, for the sake of the argument, that we are in an actual Super Hero club ; whatever that means. we just took the place of two members? what if they are... important?
man one (Robeman) : oh, come on, their names are Robeman and Fatboy. how important can they be? look, here's a black door. wait, why are all their doors black?
man two (david) : who cares?! and besides, how do you know they're all black? we only saw two.
man one (Robeman) : that's two out of two. that's weird.
man two (david) : how is that weird?
man one (Robeman) : well, doors aren't usually black. that's uncommon.
man two (david) : no it is not. it may be non-common, but it's definitely not uncommon.
man one (Robeman) : what?! what's the difference?
man two (david) : well, it's non-common, as in : you don't see that very often. but it's not uncommon, as in rare. therefore, your reaction is disproportionate.
man one (Robeman) : i disagree. if one out of the two doors was black, it would be non-common. because, as we just established, black doors aren't that common. but now, it's two out of two doors that are black. it's uncommon. odd, even.
man two (david) : fine! i don't care. don't you think we have bigger issues than wondering what colour the doors should be?
man one (Robeman) : what do you mean?
man two (david) : well, what if the people behind that door are expecting the real Robeman and Fatboy. what then? or maybe the two of them are already in there...
man one (Robeman) : shit. i didn't think of that.
man two (david) : i mean, those people, whether actual Super Heroes or not, are obviously pretty into the whole "secret" thingy.
man one (Robeman) : well, yes and no. that guard told us about this "Super Hero” event without us asking anything.
man two (david) : not true. you asked about milk.
man one (Robeman) : oh for fuck sake, david!
man two (david) : Fatboy.
man one (Robeman) : what?!
man two (david) : call me Fatboy when we're in here. i don't want anyone to know my name.
man one (Robeman) : you do know everyone can see us right? granted, i wear a robe, and you... well, you ARE fat, but that's not like we have any disguise or, even... masks. anyone can...
man two (Fatboy now, at his request) : shutting him up · ... masks! that's right! the guard talked about masks. he said it was pretty ballsy of you not to wear one!
man one (Robeman) : i think he said bad-ass.
man two (Fatboy) : who cares?! it's good! it means we might actually be alright here. maybe they don't know what the actual Robeman and Fatboy look like.
man one (Robeman) : yeah, or maybe we'll get in trouble for not hiding our faces. shouldn't we do something about that? i mean, i don't want to get cut in half by a laser or some other Super Hero shit.
man two (Fatboy) : please tell me you don't actually believe in Super Powers.
man one (Robeman) : relax. it was just an attempt at humor.
man two (Fatboy) : humour. right. very funny... so, what are we going to do about those masks? you got me worried now, kind of.
man one (Robeman) : well, do you have a mask in your pocket?
man two (Fatboy) : no.
man one (Robeman) : do you carry anything that could pass as a mask?
man two (Fatboy) : no...
man one (Robeman) : then shut up, david, and open the damn door.
scene four – in a dark cave
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woman one : you're late.
man one (Robeman) : yeah, sorry about that. the guard wouldn't let us through.
woman one : well, i can't say i blame him. are those your new Super Hero outfits? seems a bit.... light. and where are your masks?
man two (Fatboy) : we don't use any. not anymore. as an act of... bravery.
woman one : are you guys mentally challenged or something? our quest involves DANGER, fellows. have you not paid attention to Flewermann's speech, last meeting?
man two (Fatboy) : of course we did. don't worry about us, we can take care of ourselves.
man one (Robeman) : you got that right, Fatboy! now tell me, where is... Flewermann? we'd like to have a chat with him.
woman one : well he left, didn’t he! they all did! you were so late we thought you weren’t coming. so we voted without you. we're going with Superteeth's plan.
man two (Fatboy) : right, nice one. good idea.
woman one : yeah, it's a good plan, isn't it?
man one (Robeman) : sure is. uhm... do you, by any chance, know why all the doors are black? it's quite disturbing.
man two (Fatboy) : whispering · who cares?!
woman one : well, you'll have to ask Doorman. he made them.
man two (Fatboy) : wait. what do you mean he "made" them? how?
woman one : i don't really know. with wood i guess. it's not really important, is it? there are more pressing matters. you should really get going guys. they could use your help out there.
man one (Robeman) : right, of course. but why are YOU still here?
woman one : well... i was… waiting for you. also, i'm sort of banned from the field. you know, because of what happened last time... anyway. i'll inform them you're on your way. if you hurry, you can be there in twenty.
man one (Robeman) : okay then. bye.
man two (Fatboy) : right. bye.
woman one : ehm, guys... you're going the wrong way. just… take the little door over there. as usual…
man one (Robeman) : of course. silly us! whispering · aaand what do you know... another black door! what is this Doorman guy's deal?
man two (Fatboy) : dunno. maybe he is black.
man one (Robeman) : very clever, Fatboy. but they'd probably be brown then, wouldn't they? these doors are ink black.
man two (Fatboy) : ink isn't necessarily black. its color actually depends on the...
man one (Robeman) : shutting him up · ...shut up, david. you got my point. now let's leave. i think she's looking at us. probably wondering why we didn't leave yet.
man two (Fatboy) : fine. let's find the 1% milk and go home. unless you want to pursue this madness any longer?
man one (Robeman) : well...
man two (Fatboy) : oh come on! you're not serious? we don't even know where we're supposed to go!
man one (Robeman) : whispering · shushh! she's gonna hear you!
man two (Fatboy) : i don’t care! we're never going to see her again.
man one (Robeman) : hmm... that's probably true. but just in case we do : dibs.
man two (Fatboy) : what? we don't even know what she looks like! that ridiculous pink rabbit suit hides everything.
man one (Robeman) : i know. but just in case there’s a hot piece behind the suit : dibs.
man two (Fatboy) : fine, whatever. let's go.
man one (Robeman) : okay. but do you think you'll be able to pass through that tiny door, "Fatboy"?
man two (Fatboy) : you're an arsehole.
scene five – in some other street of London
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man one : where are we?
man two (back to david) : London.
man one : no shit. but what street? do you recognize anything?
man two (david) : well, no. but i don't really know London that well.
man one : you've been living here for three years!
man two (david) : London is a big city. am i supposed to know what every street looks like?
man one : for fuck sake! you are useless, dude. how are we gonna go home now?
man two (david) : there is such a thing called "the tube". ever heard of it?
man one : we can't be far... i don't want to spend money when we're probably only a few minutes away. plus, it's always overcrowded. and it smells.
man two (david) : let's walk and see if we recognize something then.
man one : great... now we've gotta walk around like tourists. i hate tourists.
man two (david) : indeed, tourists are the worst. let's ask someone where we are.
man one : that's the most tourist thing we can do! today is starting to annoy me.
man two (david) : that man looks like he belongs. excuse me sir, what street is this?
man four : ahm... taking a map out of his back pocket · i'm not exactly sure.... i'm just visiting. let's see...
man one : never mind.
man four : please, it's no problem! let's find out together! i don't mind looking.
man one : i do.
man two (david) : so do i. you don't seem very able.
man four : well, that's very rude!
man two (david) : yes, it is.
man one : get lost, tourist.
man two (david) : yes, please.
man four : fine... fuck you too then! walking away · gosh, people here are such dicks!
man one : this guy was a complete waste of my time. i hate tourists.
man two (david) : this should make you feel better : there is a Sainsbury’s over there.
man one : why the fuck should i give a shit?!
man two (david) : well, you can buy me my sandwich.
man one : david... shut up! i mean it... i'm about to lose my shit.
man two (david) : and also...
man one : okay, that's it : i'm gonna kill you.
man two (david) : ...you can buy your milk.
man one : shit. kinda forgot about the milk for a minute. i guess you're not completely useless after all.
man two (david) : good. you can buy me my sandwich, then. like you said you would.
man one : of course, THAT you remember. but the streets of London...
man two (david) : well, that's the only reason i came with in the first place. come on ; i'm starving.
man one : pff... fine.
man two (david) : good.
man one : you truly are Fatboy, aren't you?
scene six – in the dairy product aisle of a Sainsbury’s store.
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man one : what the fuck is this?
man two (david) : yes. that is pretty strange.
man one : fuckin' A it's strange. why the fuck can we not find any 1% milk anywhere?
man two (david) : dunno. let's ask this guy.
man one : are you sure that's a man?
man two (david) : dunno. that is... unclear. those dreadlocks are hiding most of the face. but the breast seem very small, so i suppose it is.
man one : mhh, makes sense. excuse me... sir?
woman two : wooow. you shouldn't assume genders, maaan. i'm like, a woman.
man one : shit. sorry... kind of embarrassing.
woman two : yeaaah.
man one : but let's be honest here : we're not the first ones to make that mistake, are we? i mean... have you seen you?
woman two : eeehm. you're being, like, very ruuude. like, i know you're the client and all, but back off, maaan. like, just ask your question or go awaaay.
man one : fair enough. although, i think you jsut assumed my gender too, if we're playing that game... anyways : where is the 1% fat milk? can't seem to find it anywhere. is there some kind of shortage or something?
woman two : eeehm. i meeean...
man two (david) : ... of course not! are you retarded?! they have every other kind of milk. you cannot have a shortage of one particular type of milk! 1% fat is not milk from a special cow or anything. it only depends on how you make it. how do you not know that?!
man one : shut up, david. you don’t know what you’re talking about. is that true, "madam"?
woman two : weeell... eeehm... how would i know, maaan? i just work here, i'm not, like, a milk farmer. i don't know aaanything about milk. about any of the products, in faaact ; except for, like, where you can find them in the shop.
man one : okay then, where can we find the 1% milk?
woman two : here. like, normally. but it's not there. that's weeeird.
man one : sounds like we found ourselves the employee of the month.
woman two : whatever maaan. being offensive won't help you. like, ever.
man one : neither will you apparently. now fuck off, you hippie.
woman two : whaaatever.
man two (david) : her vocabulary seems pretty rich. what do we do now?
man one : we ask someone sober. this one is definitely a woman. excuse me, ma’am, where is the 1% milk?
woman three : ohh, i'm sorry gentlemen. i'm afraid you won't find any. we were told to remove every bottle earlier today.
man one : what? every single bottle of the store has been removed?!
woman three : every single bottle in London, apparently! nobody really knows why, though. but if you ask me, something shady is going on. i'm not supposed to say that to clients, but i wouldn't buy any kind of milk today.
man one : you think it's some kind of disease or something?
woman three : never too careful, sir. have a blessed day!
man two (david) : right. thank you.
man one : "a blessed day"? what the fuck did she mean by that? what is she implying?
man two (david) : i think she simply meant goodbye. it's a pretty common saying.
man one : i don't know... i think she meant it as an insult.
man two (david) : how is blessing an insult? she's probably just religious, that's it.
man one : did you not see how she was looking at me? the same way we were looking at that hippie. she was judging me for some reason.
man two (david) : maybe it's because you're wearing a robe in a public place, at two in the afternoon.
man one : this robe happens to be very comfortable. fuck that religious bitch.
man two (david) : you’ve got issues, man. she was nothing but nice to us... anyway, you should call your employers. tell them you won't be able to drink 1% today.
man one : fuck no!
man two (david) : why not? every single bottle removed from the stores is a pretty good excuse.
man one : yeah, well... what if they refuse to pay me?
man two (david) : whatever you do, they're going to know about this. every bottle in London, she said. it's definitely going to make the news. already did, most likely.
man one : do you ever use your brain, david? i could have bought the milk yesterday, or any other day, really. as far as they're concerned, i could have twelve bottles of 1% milk in my fridge right about now.
man two (david) : but you don't.
man one : how would they know that? let's just go home. maybe someone in the building will have some.
man two (david) : i doubt it. i don't think anybody really buys that stuff.
man one : of course YOU don't think that. but some people actually care about their weight.
man two (david) : ... fuck you. now buy me my sandwich.
scene seven – in a black taxi
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man one : i can't believe I took a cab for what is probably going to be a two minutes’ drive...
man two (david) : well, we were lost. and since you refused to look for a tube station... not many options.
man one : i'd still be paying if we were taking the subway, idiot. and no offense, but i'd rather not be next to you in an overcrowded place. wouldn't want to suffocate.
man two (david) : ... that remark was incredibly offensive!
man one : i said no offense.
man two (david) : saying “no offense” before insulting somebody doesn’t change anything! and stop it with the fat jokes already ; i am not THAT fat.
man one : mhh, let's agree to disagree on this.
man five : we're here.
man one : what, already?
man five : yep. it'll be £2.60.
man one : are you kidding me? we drove for twenty seconds at most!
man five : £2.60 is the minimum fare.
man one : well, that's clearly a scam.
man five : ... i warned you your destination was nearby. you told me you knew, so i figured you were just lazy.
man two (david) : we are.
man one : you didn't say it was literally right around the corner!
man five : well, it was. £2.60 please.
man two (david) : the bright side is that we apparently live two minutes away from a Sainsbury’s.
man one : yeah, which means i've been paying too much for stuff for the past eight months...
man two (david) : and me for three years.
man one : sucks to be you, asshole! if you had showed me the neighborhood properly when i moved in...
man five : shutting him up · ...could you PLEASE pay me and leave?! i'm losing money here.
man one : welcome to the club, man. here you go.
man two (david) : whispering · shouldn't you give him a tip for wasting his time?
man one : whispering · shut the fuck up, david!
scene eight – in an apartment building
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man two (david) : what's the plan here? randomly ask our neighbours if they happen to have any 1% milk?
man one : exactly.
man two (david) : it's half past two! people are at work.
man one : yes, most of them probably are. but lucky for us, this building has shitload of old people living in it.
man two (david) : we don't know the old people. why would they give us anything?
man one : we know some of them : mr.moustafa, mrs.abernathy. there, that's two.
man two (david) : great. so we have the choice between the concierge that hate our guts and the mad lady.
man one : he doesn't ; and she isn't. and besides, old people are always kind. annoyingly kind. so even if we're not his favorite, he'll give us the milk if he has some.
man two (david) : i don't think he will.
man one : ringing the concierge's doorbell · only one way to find out.
man six : you... what do you want?
man one : and a good afternoon to you too, mister moustafa.
man six : mff.
man one : okay then. we were wondering if you had any 1% fat milk, by any chance?
man six : no. i drink real milk. but even if i did, i wouldn't give you any.
man two (david) : i told you.
man six : get a job, leeches! then you'll be able to afford such things as milk. or rent, for that matter.
man one : this is my job, actually.
man six : what?
man one : drinking milk.
man six : slamming the door · fuck off, deadbeats.
man two (david) : annoyingly kind, indeed.
man one : shut up, david.
man two (david) : let's face it : nobody has your milk. let's just go home.
man one : we only asked one person so far...
man two (david) : you heard what he said. "i drink real milk". nobody drinks 1%. it's disgusting.
man one : mhh. yeah, that is one shitty beverage. ringing another doorbell · fine. but let me just try mrs. abernathy. maybe one of her cats drinks 1%.
man two (david) : okay, but i'm too tired to listen to her crazy stories. so, i'll be in our flat.
man one : come on, she's armless. just a little weird. yelling · mrs. abernathy? are you home? it's me, j...
man two (david) : shutting him up · ...mate! you should come here. right now.
man one (j something – but that's irrelevant right now) : what? why? have you forgotten your keys? i'll be there in a sec. yelling again · mrs. abernathy?!
man two (david) : no. it's... the door. it has changed. it's black now.
man one : right. good one. can you imagine if it was? that'd be some fucked up shit. speaking for himself · why isn't she answering? she's always home!
man two (david) : i'm not taking the piss! it really is black!
man one : yeah, yeah. it was a nice joke, dude. but it's getting old. speaking for himself again · jesus, where is she. the one time she could actually be useful...
man two (david) : come see for yourself!
man one : david, if you're fucking with me, i swear to god i'm gonna... WHAT. THE. FUCK?!