Robeman
#4 LA VIE EN ROSE
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scene one – in some street of London
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man eleven (Pink) : he should be pretty simple to spot, really. he'll be wearing a dress ; maybe even heels. a definite bender if you ask me.
man three : i'm not sure about this...
man eleven (Pink) : i'm telling you. a true cock slave.
man three : no, i meant, i'm not sure about doing this. that bloke Flewermann trusts me. and he pays me good money too.
man eleven (Pink) : right. then simply consider i'm not asking you ; i'm telling you. i'm ordering you, actually.
man three : are you threatening me?
man eleven (Pink) : yes, that is precisely what i'm doing! wasn't that clear? but you should thank us : we're giving you a shit-ton of money for one simple piece of information. plus, we're not telling you not to do your job ; you still let them pass if they're on your list. the only thing you have to do is calling me if Robeman shows up. simple. just… make sure it’s him.
man three : i don't know...
man twelve (Yellow) : look, just consider this as a chore. annoying? sure. but you'll be happy when it's done. you'll have more money!
man eleven (Pink) : shut up, Yellow. you're confusing him. it's not a chore. it's a command. something you do so your life doesn't end! please don't make me cut your dick off. i mean, i'll enjoy it greatly, but still.
man three : fine. but i'm not happy about this.
man eleven (Pink) : boo frickety hoo.
scene two – in a police station
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man eleven (Pink) : so he didn't show up, did he?
man three (through the phone) : he did! very late though. he just went in. with some fat person.
man eleven (Pink) : ah shit. what did he look like?
man three (through the phone) : hungry and sweaty, like most fat people.
man eleven (Pink) : not him, you twat! Robeman.
man three (through the phone) : oh. nothing like you said. normal looking. he was wearing a dressing gown. also, he had an American accent.
man eleven (Pink) : you're sure it was him?
man three (through the phone) : i'm telling you! i didn't believe it either at first, because of your description. so i acted suspicious and everything, to make sure. i even threatened him! be he didn't waver, so i figured it was, in fact, him. then i had to pretend to look on the list to "make sure" the name was there. and they bought it!
man eleven (Pink) : really? no dress? weird. makes more sense, though. maybe he figured heels weren't that pragmatic. what else?
man three (through the phone) : what do you mean?
man eleven (Pink) : are you a retard? what else can you tell me about them?!
man three (through the phone) : they mentioned 1% milk. wanted to buy some from me. they may have been joking though... also, the fat guy : he was Scottish. named david i think.
man eleven (Pink) : good lad. hanging up. then snapping fingers at Yellow · 1% milk? i thought you were the only person in London to drink that disgusting beverage. anyway, check for a Scottish bloke named david living in London.
man twelve (Yellow) : how about please and thank you?
man eleven (Pink) : how about you shut up, Yellow, and do what i say?
man twelve (Yellow) : jesus, all right. typing in a police data base · according to this, they are one hundred and one davids of Scottish heritage living in London. fourteen of them living in the same area than that "Super Hero" cave thingy.
man eleven (Pink) : fuck. that is still a lot. plus, we don’t know if they live nearby. or together. still, check if any of them have an american flatmate.
man twelve (Yellow) : typing · yes! just the one : david mchugh. and he lives in the same street as the bank!
man eleven (Pink) : convenient! is he fat?
man twelve (Yellow) : i can only see his face...
man eleven (Pink) : is it fat?
man twelve (Yellow) : i don’t know. very virgin looking.
man eleven (Pink) : fat then ; good. call Black, give him the address. hopefully, he's got a fitting door. we don't have much time, probably. also, take one of your carton of 1% milk in the fridge. smiling evilly · he'll shit himself wondering how we know about that.
man twelve (Yellow) : oh come on! i only have one carton left! plus, didn't you see the news? they removed it from every store in the country this morning. who knows when they'll put it back?
man eleven (Pink) : it's probably poisonous if they removed it all from the stores... i'm doing you a favour. now quit whining and take the carton.
man twelve (Yellow) : stop bossing me around all the time ; rank wise, we're equals!
man eleven (Pink) : we're about as equals as spit and spunk.
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scene three – in the entrance hall of a bank
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man eleven (Pink) : hello, sexy.
man twelve (Yellow) : hi.
woman five (mary) : hi there, Pinky boy.
man twelve (Yellow) : what about me?
woman five (mary) : what about you?
man twelve (Yellow) : you could at least acknowledge my presence!
man eleven (Pink) : for fuck's sake, Yellow... shut up and go get Flewermann. we're in a hurry.
woman five (mary) : don't bother. i can call him from here. pressing a button · mister flower, two bakers are here to see you.
man twelve (Yellow) : uhm, not bakers. broken bakers.
man eleven (Pink) : yes, such a necessary precision...
man twelve (Yellow) : i just... it IS an important distinction. we're not cooking brownies!
woman five (mary) : right. somehow i feel mister flower got what i meant.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : i did indeed. gentlemen, how may i help you?
man eleven (Pink) : we need to open an account. fast.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : you already have an account, mister Pink.
man eleven (Pink) : amazingly, i'm aware of that. it's for someone else. Robeman, his name is.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : not exactly a name, is it?
man eleven (Pink) : neither is Yellow. yet you opened him one.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : because he had a lot of money to store.
man eleven (Pink) : well this is even better : i've got ten thousand quid for you, just to open a new account.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : i'm listening.
man eleven (Pink) : giving him an envelope · no money deposit, just a vault. well two actually. one in here, in which you’ll put this giving him a strange casino token · and a small personal one, with the same key opening both. like i have.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : of course. let me go check if we have one of these available.
man twelve (Yellow) : what did you give him?
man eleven (Pink) : ten thousand quid.
man twelve (Yellow) : the other thing.
man eleven (Pink) : that's none of your concern.
man twelve (Yellow) : yes it is! we're partners! tell me!
man eleven (Pink) : partners? sound a bit gay. you should get along very well with that Robeman fellow.
man twelve (Yellow) : stop joking around all the time! and tell me what you gave him. or i'll call Green!
man eleven (Pink) : why haven't i kill you yet?
man twelve (Yellow) : probably because i'm able to think rationally while you are a complete degenerate.
man eleven (Pink) : so? doesn't really answer my question, does it?
man twelve (Yellow) : ... you need me around in case we have to face a normal social situation. you know, so it doesn't end in carnage. and, also, because i am a high ranked police officer ; extremely valuable to Green.
man eleven (Pink) : mhh. i'm not convinced, but you're fine for now.
man twelve (Yellow) : so what did you give him?
man eleven (Pink) : putting a pocket knife on Yellow's balls · don't push it, copper. fancy some bacon, mary?
woman five (mary) : don't you mean some sausage?
man twelve (Yellow) : jesus! that's exactly the kind of behaviour i was referring to.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : it's your lucky day, mister Pink. last one. giving him a small safe and a key · vault 317.
man eleven (Pink) : thank you. let's go.
man twelve (Yellow) : what about the drug?
man eleven (Pink) : oh shit, i forgot. giving him a small bag · could you please put this in Robeman's tea when he comes? you'll recognize him easily, he'll be wearing a dressing gown. or a dress. then call the number on the back. they'll come and get him.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : no. we don't harm our clients ; you know that. we're neutral, remember?
man eleven (Pink) : don't worry, it's harmless. it'll simply put him to sleep. they'll also give you another ten thousand when they pick him up.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : ... twenty thousand pounds just to open an account and drug the owner?
man eleven (Pink) : happy christmas.
man eight (liam Flewermann) : it’s june. and i'm jewish.
man eleven (Pink) : i figured. you know, banker ; plus that nose. but i'm not, so... happy christmas.
scene four – in an apartment building
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man twelve (Yellow) : god! you didn't have to kill her! nor the cat!
man eleven (Pink) : she was too noisy. so was the cat.
man twelve (Yellow) : and what kind of maniac carries a fiber wire?
man eleven (Pink) : Hitman. and he is awesome.
man twelve (Yellow) : you could have just stunned her!
man thirteen : shut the fuck up, Yellow!
man eleven (Pink) : that's my line...
man thirteen : try and act professional for once in your life! now put her back in her flat before someone shows up. the cat too.
man eleven (Pink) : you just got schooled, "chief".
man thirteen : shush Pink... you're even worse.
man eleven (Pink) : what? how so?
man thirteen : are you joking? i install a biutiful, biutiful door – hand made by the way – in a record time only to find out i have to cut into it to include this ridiculous safe so it can be used as a door lock...
man eleven (Pink) : so?
man thirteen : i'm an artista, you imbecile. i know an emotionless psychopath can't understand art, but you don't just ask an artista to disfigure his own work.
man eleven (Pink) : we don't have time for your hippie bullshit, Black. do it. now.
man twelve (Yellow) : poah, she was a heavy fucker!
man eleven (Pink) : give me the milk, weak boy. i'll put it in his fridge.
man twelve (Yellow) : here you go. what can i do now?
man eleven (Pink) : you are a POLICE OFFICER for fuck's sake. do police stuff! look around, find pieces of information or something. writing on the milk carton · anything that could be of use if he gets away somehow. or doesn't find the bank. although it's in this very street so... for example, someone is definitely squatting on their couch. maybe find out whom.
man twelve (Yellow) : alright, alright. reading a piece of paper on the coffee table · interesting.
man thirteen (Black) : i'm all done here. we can go.
man eleven (Pink) : just a few seconds. putting the key into the milk box · alright, i'm good to go.
man twelve (Yellow) : mhh, okay let's go.
man eleven (Pink) : did you find anything useful?
man twelve (Yellow) : i did, actually.
man eleven (Pink) : why do i doubt that?
man twelve (Yellow) : oh, piss off. let's go. stopping · wait. with the key in the milk, how are we going to lock the door?
man eleven (Pink) : we're not, you twat. they don't have the key yet.
scene five – in a London pub
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man eleven (Pink) : this tastes like piss, Orange.
man fourteen (Orange) : fuck you, Pink.
man twelve (Yellow) : i like it.
man eleven (Pink) : rolling his eyes · of course you do.
man twelve (Yellow) : what are you insinuating?
man eleven (Pink) : nothing. you're too sensitive.
man fourteen (Orange) : and you're ... whatever.
man eleven (Pink) : you know, i never got why you are Yellow, and you are Orange. i mean, you are a police officer, and you are Asian. so many missed opportunities there...
man fourteen (Orange) : clever...
man twelve (Yellow) : so what if i'm a cop?
man eleven (Pink) : Orange... the cop... you really don't know what i'm referring to?
man twelve (Yellow) : no idea whatsoever.
man eleven (Pink) : although if you were Orange, i guess i'd have to be Blonde.
man twelve (Yellow) : you are blond.
man eleven (Pink) : i meant Mr. Blonde, you dickhead... you really are clueless, mate.
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Yellow's phone ringing
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man twelve (Yellow) : y'hello?
man fifteen (through the phone) : it's me.
man twelve (Yellow) : ah, boss! how can we be of use?
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : Foster is not answering.
man twelve (Yellow) : my apologies sir, but who is Foster?
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : can't you guess from context, you idiot?! he is the messenger i sent to intimidate "Robeman".
man twelve (Yellow) : of course!
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : this is a problem, Yellow.
man twelve (Yellow) : of course!
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : we have to react!
man twelve (Yellow) : of course!
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : shut up, Yellow! stop sucking up. when you went to his flat, did you find anything we could use against him?
man twelve (Yellow) : yes! yes i did!
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : congratulation on doing your job... what is it?
man twelve (Yellow) : he has another flatmate. a girl, maybe a girlfriend? leila bridges ; she is a nurse.
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : you know what hospital?
man twelve (Yellow) : i do sir.
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : good. get her.
man twelve (Yellow) : we will, sir.
man fifteen (Green, through the phone) : and tell Pink to behave!
man twelve (Yellow) : i will sir. bye sir.
man eleven (Pink) : imitating someone giving head · tasty?
man twelve (Yellow) : was that necessary? we have to go. we have a girl to kidnap.
man eleven (Pink) : awesome!
man twelve (Yellow) : he said to tell you to behave.
man eleven (Pink) : what a cunt.
scene six – in a library
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woman six (leila) : what are we doing here? are you going to kill me or something?
man eleven (Pink) : why would we bring you to a library to kill you? wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
man twelve (Yellow) : okay but seriously, what are we doing here?
man eleven (Pink) : why do you think? i need to return a book, you twat. i keep getting fines.
man twelve (Yellow) : what did you rent?
man eleven (Pink) : the quran. took me ages to finish. did you know it was THAT boring? almost as shite as the bible...
man twelve (Yellow) : the bible is not shite... it's essential! i mean, the very foundation of...
woman six (leila) : shutting him up · okay, not to stop you in what is, i'm sure, going to be a fascinating little story, but what exactly is stopping me from trying to make a run for it?
man eleven (Pink) : uhm, how about me killing you if you try?
woman six (leila) : you said you weren't going to kill me!
man eleven (Pink) : well, we won't. not right here anyway. that's not the plan. but if you try to leave, something tells me the plan will evolve.
man twelve (Yellow) : don't we need her as ransom?
man eleven (Pink) : shut up, Yellow.
woman six (leila) : ransom? i don't know who you think i am but i'm worth pretty much nothing...
man eleven (Pink) : wow. that's pathetic.
man twelve (Yellow) : you know, you don't have to be such an arse all the time.
man eleven (Pink) : in love already?
man twelve (Yellow) : piss off.
woman six (leila) : i didn't mean... i just meant that you won't get any money from my family : they live in america. well, except for my brother, but he is even more broke than i am.
man twelve (Yellow) : we're not interested in money.
man eleven (Pink) : well, we are. at least i am. but that's not the point here.
woman six (leila) : then what is the point?
man eleven (Pink) : not entirely sure yet. it has something to do with your flatmate.
man twelve (Yellow) : yeah.
woman six (leila) : which one?
man eleven (Pink) : Robeman.
woman six (leila) : what?
man eleven (Pink) : the one that's not fat.
woman six (leila) : ah. what about him?
man eleven (Pink) : from what i gathered, he is pissing Green off. i think the idea here is to trade you for... uhm... something.
woman six (leila) : what thing?
man eleven (Pink) : i don't know. i didn’t ask.
woman six (leila) : wow. you "didn’t ask". you just blindly follow orders, eh? don't you feel like a pawn?
man eleven (Pink) : sure. or maybe i just don't give a shit. whatever you prefer. point is, you might be fine. or maybe not. maybe we'll have to kill you at some point ; wait and see. isn't it fun?
man twelve (Yellow) : don't mind him, he's just being a knob. we probably won't have to kill you.
woman six (leila) : how great! you MIGHT not kill me. hooray!
man eleven (Pink) : oh, this reminds me : i killed your neighbour earlier.
woman six (leila) : what?! mrs. abernathy?
man eleven (Pink) : how would i know? some crazy cat lady. she was yelling at us whilst we were replacing your door. very annoying woman. anyway, she was really old, so i don't really count this as murder. premature euthanasia at worse.
woman six (leila) : she was harmless!
man twelve (Yellow) : well... not to excuse his behaviour or anything, but she threw a cat at my face!
man eleven (Pink) : yeah, i killed that too.
woman six (leila) : god! you're a sociopath!
man eleven (Pink) : is this your professional opinion, nurse?
man twelve (Yellow) : come on you two, just relax already.
man eleven (Pink) : i'm always relaxed. especially when i recently killed a cat. or anything really. i simply enjoy killing, i suppose.
woman six (leila) : what is wrong with you?!
man eleven (Pink) : i'm half irish.
woman six (leila) : ... how is that relevant?
man eleven (Pink) : i might carry the ginger gene! if that's not wrong, what is?!
woman six (leila) : killing women and animals...
man eleven (Pink) : i also kill men, sometimes. in fact, i don't see gender, age, colour or religion ; i kill all.
woman six (leila) : how diverse...
man eleven (Pink) : what can i say, i'm a man of my time.
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​Yellow's phone ringing
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man twelve (Yellow) : y'hello?
man eleven (Pink) : who is it?
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : is that Pink? give him the phone.
man twelve (Yellow) : to Pink · Green. he wants to talk to you.
man eleven (Pink) : great...
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : did you need to pull your gun in front of a kid?!
man eleven (Pink) : if you wanted me to be discrete, you should have told me. i mean, you only said to behave. and i did. the kidnapping was super clean.
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : oh, excuse me! i simply figured it was quite obvious not to pull a gun in a public place ; you fucking idiot!
man eleven (Pink) : careful, Green. “boss” or not, people who talk to me this way tend not to live very long.
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : don't you start! you're a loose cannon, Pink... lucky for you, nobody believed the kid.
man eleven (Pink) : thank christ he was black.
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : it has nothing to do with his skin colour, you buffoon. apparently these kids make up stories like that every day. their imagination is the only thing they have left.
man eleven (Pink) : that and their cancers.
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : for pete's sake! how can you be so grim? anyway, with Blue destroying the hospital's tapes, you and Yellow should be fine.
man eleven (Pink) : wait, did Blue actually do something useful for once?
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : be nice! he is still learning... what did you do with the girl?
man eleven (Pink) : nothing yet. she's next to me.
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : good. keep her alive for now ; "Robeman" is starting to be a real pain in my...
man eleven (Pink) : hanging up · boring.
man twelve (Yellow) : did you just hang up on the boss?!
woman six (leila) : god! is he always this whiny?
man eleven (Pink) : unfortunately, yes.
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phone ringing
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man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : did you just hang up on me?
man eleven (Pink) : was there something else?
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : ... no, but... well, yes actually. call Red. she knows him. tell her we got his flatmate.
man eleven (Pink) : she knows him?!
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : apparently he helps with her side business. you know, the whores. she told me she didn't want to get involved, but i'm getting angry. tell her to tell the cunt we have his friend and if he doesn't stop immediately to fuck with our business...
man eleven (Pink) : we rape her multiple times then hit her 'till she dies. to leila · not you, darling.
man twelve (Yellow) : jesus!
man fourteen (Green, through the phone) : something like that.
man eleven (Pink) : got it. hanging up. then typing on Yellow's phone · let's call that bitch.
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : it's Pink. Green says you know that Robeman fellow. tell him we got his flatmate.
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : what the fuck are you talking about, Red?!
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : i don't know what you're on about, you ugly bitch, but you're wrong. i threatened the guard. made him shit himself ; maybe literally. he would definitely not dare lie to me.
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : shit! i knew it. i met that freak. killed his friend, too. guess i shoud have killed him, but the shock on his face was so... wait, how do you know about the fake Robeman?
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : do NOT put us in the same boat. anyway, never mind.
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : kill her i guess.
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : what do you want me to talk to him about?
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : you seriously think i'm going to apologize? have you met me?
woman eight (Red, through the phone) : ...
man eleven (Pink) : hanging up · what the fuck is st romeo?
man twelve (Yellow) : it's a church in chelsea.
man eleven (Pink) : ugh. after that soporific quran i figured i'd be done with god for good. i had enough of jesus for a life time.
man twelve (Yellow) : the quran doesn’t talk about jesus…
man eleven (Pink) : it does, actually.
man twelve (Yellow) : really ? mh. are you actually going to apologize?
man eleven (Pink) : of course not. i'm gonna kill the fucker.
scene seven – in a church parking
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man twelve (Yellow) : why are we not going in?
man eleven (Pink) : assembling a sniper rifle · why would we?
man twelve (Yellow) : what are you doing? no killing! Green said no killing! we simply go in, you apologize and we leave. that's all!
man eleven (Pink) : i am aware of what Green said. but the thing is : i do not give a flying fuck about what Green said. that bender is a dead man.
man twelve (Yellow) : i swear to god, if...
man eleven (Pink) : shutting him up · shut your fucking face, Yellow. aiming through the church window · wait, i think i know that guy. but where from?
woman six (leila) : are you going to kill me too?
man eleven (Pink) : nah. you might be useful at some point. shoots · bim! got him. nice shot too.
woman six (leila) : oh my god!
man eleven (Pink) : we're off. you're free to go.
woman six (leila) : for real?
man eleven (Pink) : yeah. just deliver a message for me, will you?
woman six (leila) : ehm, okay.
man eleven (Pink) : tell Red to go fuck herself. nobody else will.