Wolf par le wastringue mauve maquereau

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Based on a true story. Like some of those things are true. Maybe all of them. I might remember some facts wrong and the person who told me might have remembered some facts wrong. She literally just told me these things today though so it’s not like I have an excuse for not remembering it well. I just don’t always listen well enough. Alright let’s roll.

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You might know Yellowstone as a TV show every redneck in the United States of America masturbates in front of. But in case you don’t know the USA much, it’s an actual national park and quite the big one. It’s in the top 10 of largest parks in the country. But 7 out of that top 10 are actually in Alaska (this is true whether we include state parks as well or not, fun trivia fact isn’t it? I think so)  so, if we ignore that ginormous state which is nothing but national parks with like 60 people living there, it’s actually top 2 behind Death Valley (top 3 if we include state parks, as Adirondack got them beat. You are winning your next trivia night.). Pretty cool eh?

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Not just cool, actually really cold (this is a pun). In the hottest month of the year, the temperature drops to 4 degrees Celsius at night. It’s quite North and surrounded by mountains, you see. Also, and that is what we’re here to talk about, there’s wolves. Like originally, there were wolves. And then there weren’t wolves. And then there were wolves again. Basically, there were wolves until there were people and then people killed a lot of wolves and then there weren’t any wolves there anymore. You’re following? Yes? Good.

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In the 1990s some people decided that Yellowstone needed wolves again. I mean they might have decided that before the 90s but they acted on it then. No idea when the decision was made. Look it up. In any case, they brought some gorgeous gray wolves that they captured in Canada and Alaska. And amongst the Canadian ones, Wolf-8. They had been following a pack for a while, I think. A she-wolf was pregnant and gave birth to a bunch of wolf-puppies. On of them was black. Did she cheat on daddywolf with a black-haired wolf? Who knows. I ain’t here to judge her. Fact is two white-ish wolves gave birth to three white-ish pups and one black one. Kind of sus isn’t it? The three white pups thought so. So they there mean and violent to Wolf-8 (did these feckers really give these majestic animals numbers instead or names? Like nazis?) all the time. Maybe they were just racist pricks though. Anywho, they captured the whole family and brought them to Yellowstone. Later, as it sometimes happens with black dudes, he got a bigger peak of testosterone at puberty or something and became bigger and stronger than the three saltines. I’m guessing he also had a much bigger pee-pee than them, but apparently that matters less when you’re a wolf. Most importantly, he had become stronger than the three of them together so they stopped messing with him. And he became the fecken alpha of the pack. Wolf-8 became the first black-wolf president in the United States. And elected by a 100%-white population as their leader. Pretty impressive, eh? Maybe it is because in nature, they will hate you for looking different only if they can overpower you. Otherwise, they submit their beta-selves quite nicely.

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Wolf-8 was a strong badass but also a big romantic softy. Think of the Ryan Gosling of wolves. I know it may seem more appropriate for me to compare him to a loveable badass black actor, but I have a point. Ryan Gosling is a badass (Mr Grey? Officer K? Badasses!). But also, remember the Notebook? I fecken hate that movie. It’s amazing, but horrible. They show you the very geatest love story ever told to man. Makes you believe in this overpowering feeling one can only feel when they find their one and only. Their ride or die. Their everything. Romantic, funny, exciting. And the guy gets the girl. And they are happy. And they get married. And they have kids. And their kids have kids. The whole nine yards. But instead of showing them grow-old together or stop at “and they lived happily ever after” after they finally get together forever, like any nice romcom movie would, it decided to end by showing how they fecken die. But not without making sure you know, first, that she got such bad dementia that she had to be placed in a nursing home and didn’t remember her kids (or her husband, most of the time). Assholes. Now this cute-ass movie becomes the most heartbreaking story ever and makes you want to never love again. Because people die and then life sucks.

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Anyway. Same thing happened to our buddy Wolf-8. He fell in love with his ladywolf so so so hard. So when she died, his heart broke and his world ended. And he just decided to lay next to her and die of sadness.

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So, yeah, Wolf-8 is dead. Just like Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. God I hate that movie.